I like to play. I don't like to fight

Me and this gorgeous little zine chickadee were talking tonight, and she was expressing how difficult it was to be her normal playful, magical self when there is a war going on. That got me to thinking about how resentful I have been that I have been unable to be my normal cheerful, sarcastic, flirty self these past few days. Normally at my retail job (and I am being specific about that job because there is noone to play with at my real work in the schools) I can joke around with the customers and the adult coworkers. Since Wednesday night, I have been making a conscious effort to not grimace when asked "how are you." Okay, this is kind of about war. But it's not. It's about how I prefer to be a joyful, outgoing, spunky creature...but have totally withdrawn once in my life, and don't want the current events to propel me in that direction again.

There was a time when I spent evenings totally catatonic.
That would be a good indication that something totally fucked up is going on in a person's life. I mean, catatonic. I would sit and bawl my eyes out, and I wouldn't even wipe the tears or snot away. I couldn't scream or fight.

We should be remembering that life is supposed to be filled with play and magic...it is not about killing one another.

Play.

I like chatting with my grrrlies who send teasing pics of themselves, and torture me because they live in far off places.
I like making plans to hang out with my long time friend Liz. Maybe we'll see Chicago again. Maybe we'll watch a NASCAR race or play Animal Crossing. Maybe we'll torment her downstairs neighbors.
I like telling customers, in all honesty, that they are buying something kickass when they are. Like when they get chai or focaccia bread mix. I like to talk to strangers about nothing.
I like to straighten out the pillows at work because there are fancy and exotic looking pillows. I like to fantasize about owning most of them and just sitting in a fancy room with my plush pillows and having servants bring me chai and scones.

I like making plans to go deli-hopping in New Jersey with a girl I was supposed to meet in Boston, and to go bar-hopping in Boston with with a hottie friend who is from Jersey. When I went to Boston last year I rode the subways with wide-eyes and awe and nervousness. I accepted free diet pepsi twists from street pushers. I ate good pizza with my friend Meg. We went to the zine fest and I made enough $ to get me back home.

I like walking through art museums by myself, dressed up, and pretending not to speak English. I like to dress up and walk through the west farms mall like I am a rich bitch who can plop down money for $20 tubes of lipstick.

I like to go to playgrounds and swing. Sometimes I try to write in my journal while swinging. When I get free time, I put on my headphones and walk around the park to the beat of Le Tigre.

I like to fuck with authority figures for my own amusement.

When nobody else is home, I like to blast music, like the song "Evolve" by Ani Difranco or anything by Lauryn Hill, and I dance like a maniac around the kitchen.

I've been playing with Ruby since I'm going to guess December. Her strap has loteria cards on it and I put stickers by every odd fret, and they're all numbered. I haven't broken any strings yet. I like to play "Fire Door" on her and "La Bamba".

I used to play downloadable jigsaw games on the computer a lot, but then I realized that was not fun. That was addiction.
I like to write a lot of letters to the dozens of friends I have fallen out of touch with for no reason other than I am terrified of making phone calls or getting into contact with people.

For fun, for play, I read zines. Because of my distro, I get a lot of zines to peruse because people want me to sell them. I'm very picky, and sometimes this is not fun because I have to do rejection letters. I like to see the different ways people express themselves. I like to see how far to the limits they go.

When I was younger, I used to write on walls, on floors, on everything in marker. I used to write my name inside of a heart with my ex-girlfriend. One time, we made out in the bathroom at Dennys. Our grafitti isn't there anymore.

I like to sing while I'm driving, and when other motorists catch me doing it, I roll down my window and sing louder.

Even though I have a bad voice, I like to sing improv blues songs.
I like reading poetry when I have a microphone because it is a game to me. I like to perform in such a melodramatic way to make fun of people who take themselves and art too seriously. I like to push myself to the limits in public.

Rollerskating and bowling are fun, but I'm not any good at those.
Floor hockey and target shooting are fun, and I am too good at those.

I like to rearrange my room and dress up in funny clothes.

I like to play. I don't like to fight.
"I like fucking. I hate danger"