Me and this gorgeous little zine chickadee were talking tonight, and she was expressing how difficult it was to be her normal playful, magical self when there is a war going on. That got me to thinking about how resentful I have been that I have been unable to be my normal cheerful, sarcastic, flirty self these past few days. Normally at my retail job (and I am being specific about that job because there is noone to play with at my real work in the schools) I can joke around with the customers and the adult coworkers. Since Wednesday night, I have been making a conscious effort to not grimace when asked "how are you." Okay, this is kind of about war. But it's not. It's about how I prefer to be a joyful, outgoing, spunky creature...but have totally withdrawn once in my life, and don't want the current events to propel me in that direction again.
There was a time when I spent evenings totally catatonic.
That would be a good indication that something totally fucked up is going on in a person's life. I mean, catatonic. I would sit and bawl my eyes out, and I wouldn't even wipe the tears or snot away. I couldn't scream or fight.
We should be remembering that life is supposed to be filled with play and magic...it is not about killing one another.
I like chatting with my grrrlies who send teasing pics of themselves, and torture me because they live in far off places.
I like making plans to hang out with my long time friend Liz. Maybe we'll see Chicago again. Maybe we'll watch a NASCAR race or play Animal Crossing. Maybe we'll torment her downstairs neighbors.
I like telling customers, in all honesty, that they are buying something kickass when they are. Like when they get chai or focaccia bread mix. I like to talk to strangers about nothing.
I like to straighten out the pillows at work because there are fancy and exotic looking pillows. I like to fantasize about owning most of them and just sitting in a fancy room with my plush pillows and having servants bring me chai and scones.
I like making plans to go deli-hopping in New Jersey with a girl I was supposed to meet in Boston, and to go bar-hopping in Boston with with a hottie friend who is from Jersey. When I went to Boston last year I rode the subways with wide-eyes and awe and nervousness. I accepted free diet pepsi twists from street pushers. I ate good pizza with my friend Meg. We went to the zine fest and I made enough $ to get me back home.
I like walking through art museums by myself, dressed up, and pretending not to speak English. I like to dress up and walk through the west farms mall like I am a rich bitch who can plop down money for $20 tubes of lipstick.
I like to go to playgrounds and swing. Sometimes I try to write in my journal while swinging. When I get free time, I put on my headphones and walk around the park to the beat of Le Tigre.
I like to fuck with authority figures for my own amusement.
When nobody else is home, I like to blast music, like the song "Evolve" by Ani Difranco or anything by Lauryn Hill, and I dance like a maniac around the kitchen.
I've been playing with Ruby since I'm going to guess December. Her strap has loteria cards on it and I put stickers by every odd fret, and they're all numbered. I haven't broken any strings yet. I like to play "Fire Door" on her and "La Bamba".
I used to play downloadable jigsaw games on the computer a lot, but then I realized that was not fun. That was addiction.
I like to write a lot of letters to the dozens of friends I have fallen out of touch with for no reason other than I am terrified of making phone calls or getting into contact with people.
For fun, for play, I read zines. Because of my distro, I get a lot of zines to peruse because people want me to sell them. I'm very picky, and sometimes this is not fun because I have to do rejection letters. I like to see the different ways people express themselves. I like to see how far to the limits they go.
When I was younger, I used to write on walls, on floors, on everything in marker. I used to write my name inside of a heart with my ex-girlfriend. One time, we made out in the bathroom at Dennys. Our grafitti isn't there anymore.
I like to sing while I'm driving, and when other motorists catch me doing it, I roll down my window and sing louder.
Even though I have a bad voice, I like to sing improv blues songs.
I like reading poetry when I have a microphone because it is a game to me. I like to perform in such a melodramatic way to make fun of people who take themselves and art too seriously. I like to push myself to the limits in public.
Rollerskating and bowling are fun, but I'm not any good at those.
Floor hockey and target shooting are fun, and I am too good at those.
I like to rearrange my room and dress up in funny clothes.
I like to play. I don't like to fight.
"I like fucking. I hate danger"